Who's that staggering on the roof
Eggnog spiked with 100 proof
It's Christmas eve and I'm awake in my bunk
'Cause Santa Claus is drunk

"ho ho ho where the hell's the chimey in this damn place? Hate this job!"

I saw Santa at the mall
I wanted to ask him for a new football
I sat on his lap and he really stunk
Santa Claus is drunk

"Ho ho ho what do you want from me Timmy? Whatever, next!"

He's got presents for the girls and boys
I hope he doesn't drop his sack and break my toys
And under the tree I'll find a pile of junk
'Cause Santa Claus was drunk

"Goddamn bag's too heavy. Why don't one of you deer carry it?"

Ho ho ho, who would of known?
Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go
Up on the housetop, sip sip sip
Down with the whiskey is drunk St. Nick

"Yeah real funny, you should be on TV, damn comedian, ho ho"

Christmas Eve comes once a year
But Santa can't lay off the beer "I could if I wanted to"
He fell on the tree and he snapped the trunk
Santa Claus is drunk

"Ho ho ho. Milk and cookies? What the hell's this? Where's the damn bourbon in this house?"

I saw Santa fly away
With his eight reindeer and his Christmas sleigh
He crashed into a lake and down the sleigh sunk
Santa Claus is drunk

"Jesus Christ that's my third DUI"

Santa Claus is drunk!

"And you would be too if you had my job"